As the reality of my situation sinks in, I find myself tempted to be consumed by worry. It all started when I received my last salary last week. I didn't think they would hold my salary for the whole month of August (I thought it would just be the last 15 days), so all of a sudden I'm scrambling to meet all of my obligations. In making sure that I have enough to pay for everything that needs to be paid for, I'm suddenly feeling very destitute: unable to make plans with other people because I don't know where I'll get the money for a night out, choosing not to bring a car to save on parking (thank goodness we have a driver on my dad's payroll), counting every peso that leaves my wallet.
Then there's the upcoming trip to Pagudpud. I should be thankful that he tells me not to worry about it, not to fix the accommodations yet since it's still in October, and part of me suspects he has something up his sleeve related to this trip. But with the financial situation, I worry about where I'll get the money to pay for my share.
Yes, I have projects, but I'll be reaping those benefits by December. Yes, I have my back pay, but I'll be getting that in October and I already know where that's going. September is looking to be a dry spell, and it's scary. Scary enough for me to wonder if I made my decision too hastily, if I made it with a clear head and not a reproductive system filled with hormones gone haywire.
And so I have to consciously repeat to myself: yes, I made the right decision, I couldn't have lasted two more months with an anxiety attack waiting to happen everyday. As for the money, I will find a way, and if not, then God will make a way. The same way He has been opening all sorts of doors for me whenever I knock. I have to remind myself that I am blessed with people who are giving me all sorts of opportunities to do what I feel I was born to do, and that this just goes to show that I have people who believe in me.
The future looks scary, but maybe now is the time to face my fears. And for now, I need to remember this quote I found on Pinterest:
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