The process of letting go

I've done quite a lot of reflecting in the past few weeks, and one thing I've realized about myself is that once I say the words "I give up", there is absolutely no turning back.

As it turns out, I tend to put up with quite a lot and still not let go. Just a look at how my past relationships (romantic and otherwise) have played out, and I wonder how I could have hung on as long as I did.

Back then, it was the heart that whispered for me to stay. The mind had all the reasons to leave, but the heart refused until such time that it, too, realized that there was nothing to stay for anymore.

This time, it is the other way around. I thought I could tough this out. I thought that I could just psych myself into adapting, into not letting things get to me, into putting up with the present by keeping the future in mind. But the heart and even the body feel differently. And as always, in the end, it is the heart that always wins.

In all of this, I've learned that you really need to listen to your heart. You need to look at how you feel when you wake up in the morning and when you go to bed at night. Basically you have to ask the question "Am I happy?" and be as honest as possible when you answer. Of course, it's naive to think that life will always be a bed of roses, but I believe that in spite of all the challenges, you still have to be able to go to bed at night knowing that at your very core, you're still happy with your life and how it's playing out.

While the other aspects of my life are going well, this has been eating away at me. And when you take into consideration that more than half of my day is spent here, while I only get to see my loved ones a few hours a week, I don't think it's right that I'm only happy a couple of hours a week.

And so I begin the process of letting go, of wrapping up loose ends. It's like I've been deep in the heart of a very dark tunnel, and now I begin to walk slowly towards the light, to a brighter albeit unpredictable future ahead. And I begin this process with God by my side, because if there's one thing that has been getting me through all of this, it has been the daily pep talks with Him, the little prayers thought and whispered, and feeling His love and presence through the support of my loved ones.

Finally, finally, I'm beginning to see the light.