Have faith

I heard Mass with my family this morning, and while I usually find myself spacing out during the readings (no matter how hard I try to listen well), a line jumped out of the Gospel and was repeated in the priest's homily: "Your faith has saved you. Go in peace."

It seemed to be God's way of reassuring me that the path that I am seeing ahead of me is the right one to take: the world of freelancing. It's a scary world. Like I said in my last entry, there is always that notion that writing does not pay well. And I have always thought that success in freelancing largely depends on how much you blow your own horn, broadcasting your talents and services, and generally how hard you work. The thought of not having a steady income to expect every 15th and 30th of the month is terrifying.

So terrifying, in fact, that when we discussed it and what it would mean for our future together, he really had this scared look on his face. I could see he was trying to be brave, and he was trying to convince me that whatever I'm going through now is only meant to make me stronger. And I said that yes, it is, but it also feels like I'm slowly dying inside (as corny as it may sound).

He isn't in a job that he loves either, but he has found ways to learn to love it. I think (and I told him so) that it's because God gave him the gift of adaptability. He is so flexible and spontaneous, he isn't very fazed when situations change. He just learns to make the most out of whatever is thrown his way. I, on the other hand, am the complete opposite. I don't adapt easily, and now I'm discovering that I need to be in an environment that cultivates me. I'm like a seed that only flourishes in the right kind of soil with the right amount of water and sunlight. I feel like there's something in me that wants to burst forth into the world, and I'm just waiting for the right conditions.

I acknowledged his fears and told him I was scared too, and promised that I wouldn't make a decision without considering its impact on our future. But when I close my eyes and think of what the future looks like, within the next ten years we will have our own place and build a family. I don't see myself leaving my child to go to work everyday for an entire day, and only see my child at night. I see myself being at home, helping this child grow, witnessing every milestone, learning to be a good wife and mother while still being productive and earning enough money for us to live a comfortable lifestyle.

I believe that freelancing will allow me to do that. No matter how scary the thought may be, deep in my heart I know that that's the way to make my vision of the future a reality. And because God knows my deepest desires, He made sure I was listening when he said, "Your faith has saved you. Go in peace."

It's difficult, but I have faith that everything will work out, and I will find peace.